End Of Second Semester

Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be. - Sonia Ricotti.

Hey there!



University Life:

My finals finished last week. I studied for it by making notes, going through the slides and trying to remember as much as I can, but I feel like I should have done more. I was feeling quite distracted the whole time, and I was worried because me don't want to get low results. Some of my friends were like "I didn't study!!" (or they studied last minute), and panicking. I was half-amused and half-horrified. Guys, I know it's not easy to focus on studying and there's a lot of other things to do, but me don't want you to turn into You-Know-That-Guy 2.0. I joke, but seriously though. Still, if he can pass, we all can. #ormaybehehasmagicpowers #idunno.


Journalism, media law and visual communication papers were okay for me. I'm not expecting too much, but I hope my results will be satisfactory. Broadcasting on the other hand... Section A (Short Answers) was easier than Section B (Essay) which is a relief because I remembered most of the topics that came out, but that essay...what the heck was the essay? UGH. I crapped half of it, except for the section about law, which I read the most about. It was intense,...and it's over, phew.



Taken after our broadcasting paper! :D 
Nay, Yap, Nicky, me, Aishah, Rach, Wern Ni, Nelly, Eunice and Rina!


Communication squad be like...
Diana, Hui Ling, Nicky, Levy, Adleen, Yi Min, Yazmin, Nina, Me, Jessica.
....this was before our Visual Communication paper, I 
Half/Quarter of the mamak gang.
Me, Wern Ni, Nelly and Prahveen.

Aiman fetched us to the train station, and there were 7 of us in the car.
Aiman, JJ, Prahveen, Nicky, Nelly, Wern Ni and me.


The subjects we took in the second semester were hell. Still, I'm glad the squad is closer (I always say this, but it's still kinda shocking to me) and our lecturers were pretty great. I was looking forward to the semester break but now I wish I had something to do. It's hard for me to sit still and do nothing ._. Initially thought of flying out of the country for a while, but it isn't worth it since it's only going to be for 3 weeks. Haih. Thinking of doing some temporary full-time or part-time work, or volunteering at a shelter or something. I'm still going for dance classes, 
Went to watch London Has Fallen with Nicky, Nelly, Yap and Prahveen.

Prahveen forgot his student ID so he was the only adult listed on our tickets, then we started joking about him being Papa Prahveen. AH GUYS, I JUST REALIZED we forgot to split the bill for the food and tickets to pay you back D: Nelly went back to Kepong, the rest of us took the train and crapped the whole way to Subang. Oh yeah, das movie was nice though. Really fast-paced which is good. I prefer action movies to romance, but comedy movies are nice too.


Jangan pandang belakang...HAHA, I joke.
Ya, I know my hair not even. What happens when I have to dye my own hair ._.
I honestly enjoy wearing tank tops now. It's so comfy.


The top part of my hair faded to a lighter brown ._. Aiyoh.

I'm glad to have you guys as friends. Did not expect this when I met you in July/August, HAHA. I think that Snapchat actually made most of our class closer, like with me and Diana, Yi Min, Nelly. Jess, Adleen, etc because we're always snapping random things to each other or commenting on snaps. I'm really sad because next semester, half of us are going to take Broadcasting as an elective, the other half chose PR and one each to either Advertising/Journalism, which means we're all only going to be the 6 of the same classes, and separated for the other 4. At least I still have Nay Nay tho :3 


Thoughts:
iglovequotes:

http://iglovequotes.net/

What does it mean when you're smiling and you feel happy, but there's still a lurking sadness deep within you? I've been asking myself that for weeks. I kinda don't want to talk about it with my friends anymore, because I feel guilty for making them emo like me and it's hard for them to really understand what I'm going through. The only other person who knows exactly how I feel and what I'm going through, is the one I don't want to talk to about it because it's only gonna make us feel worse. 


I keep saying I'm okay, but I'm not sure if I know what it means anymore. I'm struggling with a lot of thoughts I shouldn't have, a lot of memories I should forget and feelings which I can't erase.


Above all, I feel selfish, and ashamed of myself for it. Because if I think about my life rationally, I have it good. I have God, parents I can talk to about almost anything, brothers to pick on, friends who seem to like me (even when I'm a complete airhead), cute cats to cuddle, and I'm mostly a sane and normal person who doesn't have anger/insecurity issues anymore. Then again, feelings are not rational and it's not easy to control emotions.


I haven't replied/talked to them (well, they know who they are) for almost a week or more, and I feel guilty because I know they're worried about me. But it's just so hard when the constant communication makes me feel worse because they know exactly how I feel, and they know me, so I can't lie and act like I'm fine at all. Times like these are when it sucks to have friends who know and understand me too well. 



Still, I promised you that I would try to accept things the way they are now, as hard as it will be. 
And I will. Eventually. Or maybe not at all. But I'll be okay.
Or at least pretend to be, so you won't worry about me.


I was told not to give up hope, and think positively. As Stephen King once wrote, "Hope is a dangerous thing." which is a sentiment I agree with. I'd never let myself wish for something that might not be, cause it might lead to more disappointment in the end. I always thought that hope is what innocent, optimistic people believed in. Happily-ever-afters, justice and whatever happy things there are. 


I'm not cynical or pessimistic, but I believe in the concept of Ma'at, the ancient Egyptian concept of balance, truth and justice. There's no pain without pleasure, no happiness without sadness, no chaos without peace. This is the world we live in, and this is the truth I can't escape from: We don't always get what we want in life. Shit happens, but we learn to live with it and move on. <- well that's morbid hahahaha.


I guess it's because I never anticipated things happening the way they did. I never expected to feel the way I did. But it happened and I can't change that, even if I want to. 


Honestly, I'm angry at myself for feeling this way. It's not like the times when I felt alone and left out. It's not like the times when I got picked on for being weird. Yet somehow it hurts more that that, and I don't think I'm healing as fast as I should. Or maybe I've just never cared enough before to be hurt like this. My friends are reaching out, and encouraging me talk about how I feel. Those who don't know are joking around and being weird. And I'm pulling away from everyone. Even though being around people makes me feel happier, I still have moments when I want to be alone and disconnected from reality. Friends are going "Wtf Maine, why you keep disappearing? You take days to reply weyh." And I'm just here like "I'm sorry, I'm busy/tired/distracted." And it's the truth, but I could talk to them if I wanted to despite being tired or busy. I just don't. And this is why I'm a horrible human being. 


.....I'm starting to not make sense ._. Midnight ramblings are the worst.


Blog: I'm going to add Goodbye page for when I die. I'm not thinking about dying any time soon, but death not really something which anyone can predict and I'd hate to die without having the last word (heh). I've always been afraid of dying unexpectedly. I'm not afraid of death, but I worry about how it would affect the people I love. I mean, what if I can't haunt you and have you sense my presence? ._. You're gonna miss me forever, and my last words to you would probably be something weird like "meow?" okay whut. I dunno. 


It's hard to rant on my blog nowadays, since I'm being careful of what I say. I don't want to have another "Oh God, why did I write that?" moment like I always do when I go through my old blog's posts and feel gobsmacked about the things I wrote which literally anyone in the world could have read. I've written more than one post, where my feelings about things that happened were really obvious and I thought I was being so subtle about it :( I won't delete any of that, but I'm still praying that the people I wrote about won't stumble across it. Although some already have, and they say it makes them feel warm (and fluffy) inside. I was like "HAHAHAHA NOOOOO. Don't talk about it."


Religion: I was approached by a (Korean?) man and woman while on one of my solo search for food (kidding not) who talked to me about God The Mother. The whole time, my face was just like O_O. (I also had a guy try to sell me perfume that day, not sure if it was an insult because I walked past his booth after running to the mall and I was sweating like hell. HAHA) Aiyoh, why can't I just say no and walk away? Being polite can be a curse.


In a way, it was intriguing. Not the belief, but how it got me to think about different faiths and religions. Also, lack of religion (cause I don't discriminate). And how firmly we believe in what we believe in. It's also one of the reasons why I feel uncomfortable about trying to persuade people to become Christians. I always ask myself how I would feel if someone constantly tried to make me believe in what they believe in, and if I would find it offensive if anyone insinuated that my beliefs were wrong. 


My personal stance is I'll respect what others believe in, and I hope they'll respect mine. I still answer questions about Christianity when I'm asked; the foundation of our faith and the teachings we follow in the Bible. The truth is, no one will know for sure if God exists or not, till death or the end of the world. For now, I'm as certain as I can be...with doubts still of course. My doubts aren't about whether God exists, it's about whether He's a loving or vengeful one ._. cause it's hard to tell. I think He's both...still.... uncertainty. The existence of God can't be proven with scientific facts, but I believe in my heart that He's real. Faith is blind, and I think it's supposed to be.


With that being said, it's an eerie feeling when someone tries to convince you to believe in something that comes from the same Gospel, yet interpreted so differently. I don't know why but the whole time they talked to me, the lyrics to "This I Believe" by Hillsong Worship kept repeating in my head. 

"For I believe in the name of Jesus." <- Especially this part.


On a side note, I finally posted some photos on Instagram. I'm probably not going to do it again for a lonnngggg time. I was talking to someone and she said it's funny that I don't update my FB, Instagram, whatever because communication students are usually active on social media. I looked at my classmates and seniors' accounts and I was like "Yeah hor...Aiyoh." And I promised someone that I'd post at least once a year, HAHA. WHY MY LIFE LIKE THIS. I'll update it when I can, because honestly it makes me feel kinda sad to see how pathetically empty my Instagram page is. HAHA. And two of the photos are of Nicky -_- In the future, I might clear out and delete any irrelevant photos...so I'll screenshot them and send to him. Heh. It just sort of bugs the neat freak side of me ._. 

Anyways, till next time!

Update:  Funnily enough, things actually got better after I posted the rant about my feelings. The only problem now is I'm so confused because I have no idea what's going on ._.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Maine Lyn. Chinese Malaysian. Aspiring writer, photographer and videographer.